"Ladies and gentlemen... due to illness, tonight the part of Denis Leary will be played by Denis Leary. And now, ladies and gentlemen: Denis Leary!"
Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you, and FUCK you!
There's a guy- I don't know if you've heard about this guy, he's been on the news a lot lately. There's a guy- he's English, I don't think we should hold that against him, but apparently this is just his life's dream because he is going from country to country. He has a senate hearing in this country coming up in a couple of weeks. And this is what he wants to do. He wants to make the warnings on the packs bigger. Yeah! He wants the whole front of the pack to be the warning. Like the problem is we just haven't noticed yet. Right? Like he's going to get his way and all of the sudden smokers around the world are going to be going, "Yeah, Bill, I've got some cigarettes.. HOLY SHIT! These things are bad for you! Shit, I thought they were good for you! I thought they had Vitamin C in them and stuff!" You fucking dolt! Doesn't matter how big the warnings are. You could have cigarettes that were called the warnings. You could have cigarrets that come in a black pack, with a skull and a cross bone on the front, called tumors and smokers would be lined up around the block going, "I can't wait to get my hands on these fucking things! I bet you get a tumor as soon as you light up! Numm Numm Numm Numm Numm!" Doesn't matter how big the warnings are or how much they cost. Keep raising the prices, we'll break into your houses to get the fucking cigarettes, OK!? They're a drug, we're addicted, OK!? Numm Numm Numm Numm Numm... (wheeze)
I'm a little hyped up tonight. Little hyped up. Smoked a nice big fat bag of crack right before the show. "Agghhhh!!"
I'm only kidding folks. I would never do crack. I would never do crack. I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, OK, folks? Kind of a personal guideline in my life. Somebody says, "You want some crack?" I say, "I was born with one, pal! I really don't need another one. Thank you very much! If I want the second crack, I'll give you a call, but for right now I'm sticking with the solo crackola, thank you!" God.. crack. Only in America would a guy invent crack. Only in America would there be a guy that cocaine wasn't good enough for. You know? One guy walking around New York City back in 1985 going, "You know, that cocaine's pretty good, but I want something that makes my heart explode as soon as I smoke it, OK? I want to take one suck off that crack pipe and go (snort, SPLAT!) Now I'm happy! I'm dead, the ultimate high!"
That's the problem in this country. People are never satisfied with stuff the way it is. You gotta make it bigger and better and stronger and faster. Same way with pot. For years pot was just joints, and then bongs came out and bongs were OK too, but then bongs weren't good enough for some people. "Neeehhhhhh!" Remember that friend in high school wanted to make bongs out of everything. Making bongs out of apples and oranges and shit? Come in one day and find your friend going, "Hey! Look man, I made a bong outta my head! Put the pot in this ear and take it outta this one! Good! Take a hit! (snort)" Then they got one of those big giant bongs that you gotta start up like a motorcycle. "Put the pot in!" (motor starting) Kids are driving their bongs down FDR Drive. "Pull the bong over man, I wanna do a hit. Pull it over!"
What was the problem with just smoking a joint, eating a couple of Twinkies, and going to sleep? Was that a problem? They say marijuana leads to other drugs. No it doesn't, it leads to fucking carpentry. That's the problem, folks. People getting high going, "Wow man, this box would make an excellent bong! (snort) This guy's head would make an excellent bong! (snort)" Relax! That's why I stopped doing drugs in the first place. Not because I didn't like 'em, but because I didn't want to build anything, OK?
I don't do illegal drugs anymore. Now I just do the legal drugs. Tonight I'm on NyQuil and Sudafed. Let me tell you something, folks. Forget about cocaine and heroine. All you need is NyQuil and Sudafed. I'm telling you right now, I took the NyQuil five years ago. I just came out of the coma tonight before the fucking show! Klaus Vanbulo was standing over my bed going, "Denis, get up! There's something the matter with Sunny! Hurry up!"
I love NyQuil. Man, I love it! I love it. I love it. I love it. It's the best shit ever invented. Isn't it, huh? I love the name alone. NyQuil - Capitol N, small Y, big fucking Q! I love that fucking Q, don't you!? What a great advertising idea! Put a huge fucking Q on the box. They'll get high and stare at it. "The Q is talking to me! The Q is talking to me!"
I love NyQuil, man. Because NyQuil has never changed, man. It's never changed. All the other medicines are doing that inner-child thing. "we know that there's a small child inside of you, so now we have grape and cherry and orange flavor." Not NyQuil! They still have the original green death fucking flavor! You know why!? Because it doesn't matter what it tastes like! It's so strong you go, "(wheeze) Hey this stuff really tastes like.." Bang! Yer in the coma already! "What happened?" "He said tastes like and he went right into the coma, it was unbelievable!" We have reached the point where the over the counter drugs are actually stronger than anything you can buy on the street. It says on the back of the NyQuil box, on the back of the box it says, "May cause drowsiness." It should say, "Don't make any fucking plans!" OK? "Kiss your family and friends goodbye. Say hello to Klaus!"
NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil, we love you! You giant fucking Q!
NyQuil is the secret for all you twelve step recovery program people. Yes, all you AA people, NyQuil is the key! It's the thirteenth fucking step! You can drink it! It's over the counter! Drink as much as you want. "Are you drunk?" "No! I have a cold. Same cold I've had for two years. I just can't seem to shake it. I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green. Merry fucking Christmas!"
Drugs man. Capital D, drugs. I did my share. I did my share, and your share, and his share. I did a lot. I grew up in the seventies. That's when drugs were drugs, man. We did them all, God dammit! We did every fucking drug there was to be had. We did them all! We did stuff that people don't even do anymore. Like Ludes. Remember Ludes? "Ludes, man. Fucking Ludes, man! Come on and pull up the Ludes, man! Fucking Ludes!"
I think Ludes explained why we were wearing the giant flair bell bottom pants and the platform pants. What do you think!? I think it's the only possible explanation! There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothing that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid! Yeah, OK, yeah. People don't understand, man. Back in the early seventies, you couldn't buy anything except bell bottoms. There were no straight pants in the fucking stores, OK? The only way you could be a cooler guy, was to get bigger bell bottoms. We used to sit around and get high and go, "Man, when I some money, I'm getting the biggest bell bottoms in history, man! They're gonna start at my neck and go twenty feet straight out, man! I'm gonna be surrounded by ninety feet of bell bottoms! Homeless people are going to be living under my pants, man! I'll have platform shoes. I'll be twenty feet tall."
We did 'em all. Man, we even invented a couple of drugs back in the seventies. Yeah. Get this, Wippets. See, some people laugh, and the others need an explanation. Get this, ok? Some kid figured this out back in the seventies, and this kid should have been involved in the space program, ok? Some kid took the time and the imagination to go down to the supermarket and figure out if you take a whip cream can container and you press the nozzle on top, just enough before the whip cream comes out, some gas comes out, you snort the gas (snort), you get high for five seconds. We didn't have MTV! We had the fucking supermarket! That's what we had! We were down there everyday snorting whip cream and hamburger. We didn't care. Put some on your gums!
We had to. We had to get over that bell bottom hump. We did it all. Cocaine? We started that. You're welcome! What a great drug that was. Yeah, I'd like to do some cocaine. I'd like to do a drug that makes my penis small, makes my nose bleed, makes my heart explode, and sucks all my money out of the bank. Is that possible please!? I'd like to make this face all night! I'd like to sit in the bathroom and talk to a complete asshole stranger for seven hours on end. Is that possible please!? With no penis and a nose bleed! Where do I sign up!? Take my penis away! That was the worst part about the coke, man, was being in that bathroom with that stranger at the end of the night. Wasn't it, huh? Talking about shit like solving the world's problems and the only reason you're in there is because he has the coke. That should have been a fucking sign, don't ya think? I mean if Hitler had coke, there'd be Jews in the bathroom going, "I know you didn't do it. (snort) I like your mustache. (snort) Fucking Himmler. (snort)"
Ok. Yeah. Mmm. We used to do eight balls. Oh those were fun, weren't they? Nothing like getting a bunch of coke! Right? That was usually, like, eight balls were usually like four guys on a Friday night. One guy at 8-o'clock goes, "Hey man. Let's get an eight ball! It'll last us all weekend!" Four hours later the same four guys, "(frantically) Let's get another eight ball! Let's get another one! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! Yeah!"