Arriving At L. Ron Hoover's Modernistic Office / Cathedral / Ware-house /
Condominium Complex, Joe Is Greeted By a Pre-recorded Message And
A Dramatically Illuminated Image On a Wall-sized Tv Screen...

L. Ron Hoover:
Welcome to the First Church of Appliantology!
The White Zone Is For Loading and Unloading Only!

Don't You Be
Tarot-fied
It's Just a Token of My Extreme
Don't You Be
Tarot-fied
It's Just a Token of My Extreme
Don't You Never Try to Look Behind My Eyes
You Don T Wanna Know What They Have Seen
Don't You Never Try to Look Behind My Eyes
You Don't Wanna Know What They Have Seen

Joe: (Thinking to Himself)
Some People Think
That If They Go Too Far
They'll Never Get Hack
To Where the Rest of Them Are
I Might Be Crazy
But There's One Thing I Know
You Might Be Surprised
At What You Find When Ya Go!

And Thus, Having Rationalized His Expedition to L. Ron's Modernistic Office /
Cathedral / Warehouse / Condominium Complex, Joe Seeks the Answer To
His Problem...

Joe:
Oh Oh Oh
Mystical Advisor
What Is My Problem, Tell Me
Can You See?

L. Ron Hoover:
Well, You Have Nothing to Fear, My Son!
You Are a Latent Appliance Fetishist, It Appears to Me!

Joe:
That All Seems Very, Very Strange
I Never Craved a Toaster
Or a Color T. V.

L. Ron Hoover:
A Latent Appliance Fetishist
Is a Person Who Refuses to Admit to His Or Herself
That Sexual Gratification Can Only Be Achieved
Through the Use of Machines... Get the Picture?

Joe:
Are You Telling Me
I Should Come Out of the Closet Now Mr. Ron?

L. Ron Hoover:
No, My Son!
You Must Go Into the Closet
And You Will Have
A Lot of Fun!
That's Where They All Live
So If You Want An
Appliance to Love You
You'll Have to Go in There
N' Get You One

Joe:
Well...that Seems Simple Enough...

L. Ron Hoover:
Yes, But If You Want a Really Good One,
You'll Have to Learn a Foreign Language...

Joe:
German, For Instance?

L. Ron Hoover:
That's Right...
A Lot of Really Cute Ones Come From Over There!
(Fifty Bucks, Please)

And a Cheerful Group of Appliantologists Dance Into the Room Wearing
Aluminum Foil Lab Smocks, Lock Arms in a Circle Around Joe, Making
Sure He Pays in Full, All the While Singing With L. Ron As He Delivers
Nis Final Instructions...

L. Ron Hoover:
If You Been
Mod-o-fied,
It's An Illusion,
An Yer in Between
Don't You Be
Tarot-fied,
It's Just a Lot of Nothin,'
So What Can It Mean?
If You Been
Mod-o-fied,
It's An Illusion,
An Yer in Between
Don't You Be
Tarot-fied,
It's Just a Lot of Nothin,
So What Can It Mean?
(Etc., Etc., Etc.)

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